TheLastManInAmerica

         Oh, those depraved, cunning, forever scheming sleezballs at Big Tobacco, Inc.! How can we ever hope to rid the world from the evils of cigarettes when we have these mad geniuses to deal with? The Associated Press announced this week that research done by the Harvard School of Public Health found that for decades now tobacco companies have been using marketing to sell their product. It would appear our ability to use the Force has diminished as this has been able go on right under our collective nose. How will we ever stop them when they have all the adults sandwiched between their adolescent and elderly smokers who they’ve managed to “lure” in and keep by adjusting the levels of menthol in the cigarettes they market to these groups?       

      That’s right, according to industry documents the researchers reviewed, it was discovered that mild menthol flavored smokes appealed to young adult smokers. But those fat cats at Big Tobacco are clever and they know that the need for more menthol increase over time, so they produced stronger menthols for the older smokers. Can you believe they’re using the same trick they pulled on us with Light and Full Flavor varieties?  With this strategy they could “lure in” the young smokers and “lock in” the older smokers for life.        

     Now, the documents made no direct allusions to adolescents but that didn’t stop Greg Connolly, one of the report’s co-authors from deciding for himself that “young adult smokers” is a euphemism for “adolescent, first-time smokers.”  And, as if they were thinking on the same wavelength, Congress is considering legislation that would give the FDA the power to regulate tobacco. The bill would also ban the sale of candy and fruit flavored cigarettes, with some pushing for the outlawing of menthol as well. And that should put a stop to a large chunk of tobacco consumption, right. I mean, with “Dried-Up Leaf” being the only choice who’s going to want to start smoking, or continue, for that matter once all the tasty treats are gone?      

      But don’t let it get you down kids, you can enjoy still enjoy a scrumptious way to kill yourself, marketed exclusively to you with any McDonald’s Happy Meal. And just think, once you scarf that fat patty and wash it down with a cup of sugar-water, you can play with the Shrek toy inside. Cigarettes don’t come with toys, hell, they don’t even come with lighters! Oh, but you want to have something that tastes good but is intended for adults? Well, don’t tell anyone but I’ve got a six pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade here. Go ahead, try one, it’s like lounging on the beach on a hot summer day.       

     The point is, kids will are going to smoke no matter what. If cigarettes tasted like a dog’s ass, they’d still do it because they’re not supposed to. There’d probably be less kids smoking if age restrictions were removed. And if adults want to quit bad enough, they will; cigarette companies shouldn’t be blamed for trying to sell their product. “But they knowingly sell a product that kills people!” And the people knowingly buy a product that kills them. Smoking is simply a convenient target because a lot of people consider it a disgusting nuisance, which it can be; but if they want to wage war on a real enemy, it should be child obesity. When you think of the “Over 100 Billion Served,” how many were to children and how many resulted in heart attacks later on in life?         

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