TheLastManInAmerica

The Vatican this week announced plans to bring in experts to search the cosmos for signs of extraterrestrial life. And while the Catholic Church’s position is said to be that of a continuing effort to reconcile religion with reason and gain a better understanding of the origin of life, a source close to the pontiff suggests a far more human motive behind the Church’s interest in little green men (i.e. revenge).

According to a Polish bishop, who wished to remain anonymous, the College of Cardinals convened for a secret meeting in Vatican City late last week for what Pope Benedict XVI called, “A crisis for the Church and, indeed, all humanity.”

The unnamed bishop said that the explanation given by Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, director of the Vatican Observatory, of discovering the answers to “the questions of life’s origins,” is nothing more than a cover for the Church’s “true motivations” which he says are “sinister and could very well put the fate of all of God’s Creation in jeopardy.”

The bishop went on to describe the meeting between the Pope and the College, in which the pontiff allegedly elaborated on an event which took place early Tuesday morning when he was awakened by what he called, “unearthly heathens,” describing them as large, grey-skinned creatures that walked upright upon four legs and invaded the Papal Palace in large numbers, scurrying about the grounds and accosting anyone too slow or foolish to get out of their way before discovering the Papal Apartments the house the Pope.

The incident has since lead His Holiness to turn his attention to the Heavens we observe through telescopes in an attempt track down his outer space attackers in hopes of bringing “the Wrath of God upon them.”

When asked what the celestial beings may have done to so enrage the head of the Catholic Church, the Polish bishop stated he was taken aboard their ship and subjected to various physical and mental tests that included long-distance sprinting, sexual potency, something he described as an “alien Rorschach test” and several anal swabs with apparatuses of various sizes and textures, a claim that caused many within the College to mutter, “Holy Shit.”